I numbed myself before I started my self-care journey
“I drink to make the world softer. I drink because I don’t want to scream at my beautiful kids. I drink because if I feel all the rage that is burning inside me I don’t think I can stay in this house, with this wonderful man, for another moment.”
This is what one of my private coaching clients texted me last Thursday while she was crying, in her car, in her driveway, at noon.
Luisa (she/her) is 47. She is a financial planner and an artist. She loves to paint, weave, take ballet, and is rebuilding her own deck. Last year she took a two-week solo trip to Paris to paint and learn to DJ.
She has two pre-teen kids and has been married for 17 years. She is active in her community. Her family relies mostly on her income.
Last month her mother-in-law passed away from COVID-19. The next day she lost her biggest client. The day after that she broke her toe (again) coming down the stairs to make coffee. She burnt the coffee. Then chose vodka instead. She texted me from the car five hours later.
Her story is not unique.
She is not alone.
She is you.
She is me, too.
In fact, for those who know me well, you know I feel everything, in big ways, all the time.
It is my superpower and my kryptonite. Feeling big feelings is what allows me to understand my clients in ways that extend past reason. It is also what drains me after a dinner party with more than six people.
Big feelings manifest in my body in two ways:
anxiety
exhaustion
The worst is when these two feelings come at the same time. It’s like swimming in the ocean on a beautiful day, when suddenly the earth shakes and causes the waves to rise so high you feel, without a doubt, you are going to drown.
In those moments, I do not see options. I only feel pain and panic. I have one mission - MAKE. IT. STOP. NOW.
Fact: The fastest way to make it stop is to numb out.
How: Wine, weed, social media, TV, busy-ness, rage cleaning, taking it out on someone else.
For sure the fastest way to “feel better” is to numb out. But the truth is that numbing out has kept me from using my big feelings as clues to what is not working in my life. I have a lot of shame that I didn’t see this connection years ago. I just didn’t know the big feelings were a telegram from my body, explaining to me exactly what I needed to know so I could live my life fully awake.
It’s almost like the feelings were SO powerful I didn’t yet know how to use their powers. This metaphor has softened my shame story.
After years of self-enquiry and numbing out, I’ve finally created a two-minute grounding technique that I now use (mostly) instead of numbing myself.
Instead of numbing out with too much drinking, smoking, Netflix, and/or social media, I encourage you to try this grounding technique. If you think you don’t have time for it, then it only means you really need it.
If you want to learn more about the benefits of this method and why it’s so efficient, here I explain why.
It’s been wildly helpful for me and my AMP Tribe. I hope you find it useful and it inspires self-compassion as you embark of your journey to replace numbing with grounding.
As for Luisa… I didn’t finish her story. Because like your story, and mine, we get to change the ending. If we want.
So, how do you want your story to end?
♥ AP